My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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