just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
