I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
