i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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