I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
