We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
