I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
