if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
