Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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