Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
