it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
