come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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