I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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