he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
