just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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