Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
