im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
