Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
