So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
