Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
birth control should be required to get into college
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
