I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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