I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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