I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Randomize
