we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I love you.
Bad choice
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
