I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
