you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
