Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
