I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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