Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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