fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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