Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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