she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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