is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
