its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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