I wish I could teleport
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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