Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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