youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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