i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
