I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
