My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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