I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
