The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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