yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
