Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
