Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
