i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
