I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
