He uses pillows to masturbate.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
