so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
