so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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