On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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