Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
