I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
