We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
