I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
