Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
