i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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