He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
