life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
