the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
