You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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